As a dear brother in Christ always says… ‘behind every man or woman, there is a story’.
It is not my intention to talk much about myself on this blog but I find it worth sharing my testimony, as this is what inspired this blog.
In His mercy, Christ delivered me from the power of sin and death and brought me into His kingdom of light. And that’s the good news of the Gospel. Now, how did this manifest? He pulled me out from the mire of the occult and restored me from emotional and spiritual abuse. So I’d like to share my story.
My Background
I grew up in a catholic family, but Catholicism was more a label or tradition than a true devotion. I had to go through catechism and attend the Saturday children & youth evening services, while my parents barely even went to church themselves. Reaching my teenage years, Catholicism didn’t mean anything to me and I eventually despised it. It was more a set of rules, which parents and grandparents rigorously ensured to pass on, likely more for tradition or for the sake of keeping appearances in the village. In their generation, you couldn’t marry a protestant (Reformed) if you were catholic and vice versa.
Growing up, family life was becoming tense. Even though we had everything – big house, good food, clothes, education, fancy holidays… there was a certain loneliness, emotional neglect, and cyclic mental oppression. Tensions could go high, and the atmosphere, even a silence could at times feel oppressive. One of my parents was bipolar, the other was completely emotionally absent. (This isn’t to dishonour them, and I pray for them they come to the Lord).
At about 13-14 years old, I was bullied at school. It was a very lonely and painful experience. I couldn’t even tell my parents as there was very little communication. I didn’t think they would care or support me. One day this was ‘all over’ but it did leave a scar of insecurity and rejection within.
Looking for my purpose through Astrology
As I grew in my teenage years I had increasing anxiety, oppression in my thoughts, fear of rejection, and poor self-esteem. I used to ask myself existential questions, I was searching for a meaning to life and an identity.
To add to this, I developed wrong relationships which I often time depended upon. It seemed I was looking for attention and affection elsewhere, the one I never had at home, to the point of having a co-dependency issue.
I knew something wasn’t right and I desperately needed guidance and answers. I needed something to hold on to and astrology seemed to do it for me. It had started with reading the small astrology sections at the back of magazines or hearing about star signs on the radio (in France, astrology was everywhere, even in some children’s TV programs!). But it seriously started when I found a book about my star sign on my father’s bookshelf. And now this book had become my truth, my bible…
I became so hooked up, introspecting myself through my star sign and defining my identity. I was determined that by discovering myself through the stars, I could find out the purpose in my life, what I was born to do, etc.
It was a never-ending circle. Astrology just became an addiction, the zodiac an obsession, giving me a false assurance, something I could “rely” on -or so I thought. It came to the point where I could now identify other people’s star sign within just a minute of talking to them, or guess the rising sign of people I was more familiar with. Talk of occult knowledge…!.
Through an astrology website, I pulled up my natal chart but it was hard to make sense of it. Someone was going to connect me to a local medium who could interpret it for me but I chickened out! Something in me was afraid to hear bad omens. I’m glad I never went!
But all in all, my whole thinking evolved around this corrupt knowledge. I’d see and interpret life, events, things, people, and relationships through the filter of the zodiac. I was even ‘converting’ people into astrology. All things esoteric were now becoming an interest: stone properties, numerology, palm reading, dream interpretation, angels, etc. This was my world. I was buying the books and visiting those shops. I was searching for the truth and unbeknownst to me, the darkness of the occult, the powers of the New Age had gotten me.
>> see my post 7 reasons why Astrology is forbidden in Christianity >>
Witchcraft knocking at the door
At 21, I felt so empty. Ironically, astrology and the other occult stuff were a fake help, as I was still in my search for truth. But I kept digging; it was a vicious circle. Maybe I had to dig some more? I then found another esoteric book at the second-hand market -I picked it up without checking the content, it looked like the kind of thing I’d like.
As I opened the book at home, I felt so uncomfortable. This, I thought, is a new level of the esoteric that I’m not used to. It looked like the serious “real” stuff while I all this while I had just been playing with “small toys”. I wasn’t sure I wanted to venture into this. The content caught my curiosity but I became scared. I knew this was exposing me to a different, deeper, and darker kind of knowledge. It was in fact, a book of actual witchcraft.
Sitting on my bed with this book open in front of me, I was facing a sort of lifetime decision to simply say yes or no to this… I just knew that I knew that getting into this would change something big in my life, but I didn’t know what. I was afraid and by the grace of God, (not knowing He was at work), I chickened out once again! My heart was beating hard… I closed the book and got rid of it.
Forgiveness
Amazingly, within a week of refusing this invitation from the powers of darkness, I met the Christian friend who would pave my way to Christ.
It was 2004 and the Passion of the Christ had come out, so one of the first things we did when meeting up was to watch the movie. By then, I was hating anything religious but didn’t mind watching it due to its popularity – of course, I had FOMO (Fear of missing out) – I never wanted to miss out on anything! He patiently paused at every other scene and broke down the movie for me. I couldn’t comprehend much but I was appreciative of his explanations.
As I got to know my friend more, all his answers about everything always seemed right and wiser than other people. He had a different approach to life and had a peaceful countenance. But his approach was always from the Bible’s standpoint and it used to irritate me.
However one day, following some painful events, he told me about my inability to forgive and about God’s love. This pierced my heart – I couldn’t love! I was uncapable: I didn’t know what true love was! I broke down in tears and my heart sank, shattered in pieces… it was even physically painful. I had to know God!
Now, a real spiritual U-turn was taking place. Thankfully not the one the realm of darkness planned, but the Lord’s. My Christian journey had started… All the answers I was looking for, all this huge void I had in my soul, Jesus Christ took care of it. I didn’t need the occult knowledge of astrology, I had something truer, better, and more sure to cling on to: the true light, the rock of Ages!
As years passed, unfortunately, due to not being grounded in solid biblical teaching, I had fallen back into astrology as a Christian for a time. Please see my post about Christianity and Astrology.
The Ultra Charismatic, Neo-Apostolic, NAR years
I can’t pinpoint the day I fully committed to the Lord Jesus Christ as there were a series of events, but the Lord was at work. My friend has choir practice for church on campus and I followed him there; I loved music, I loved the songs. From there on, I started to follow him to church.
The “Spirit-filled Bible-believing” church
Unknowingly, I was immediately immersed in an ultra-charismatic cult-like church from Nigeria. It can also be described as belonging to the Neo-Apostolic movement. Some call it the NAR: the New Apostolic Reformation. This was a fast growing ministry, expanding worldwide with its own TV Channels and building its very own media empire.
Teachings were centered on Word of Faith, health and prosperity, domination, the anointing and the gifts of the spirits, etc. A form of gnosticism was also a significant part of the teachings, with ideas such as : reaching a higher level of power through the unveiling of secret knowledge from the Spirit, getting revelations, access higher levels… Needless to say, I had no clue about any of this then. All I knew then about Christianity was the Catholicism I ended up despising.
In fact, this church will never tell you they belong to this Pentecostal, Ultra-charismatic or Neo-Apostolic movement. They will claim “we are a spirit-filled, bible believing church”, but they belong to no denomination or network of churches whatsoever. The church stands as its own entity and see itself as special. There is no clue as to which foundations it was built on.
So, far from the Catholicism I had been running away from, this type of Christianity was now brand new and appealing. It looked dynamic, exciting, young, and everything different. With a sincere heart, I got myself fully committed, all out for Jesus, praising Him for what he had done for me. I was also proud to prove everyone that I was right about Catholicism – that all the rigidity or folklore was useless and that you can worship God another, better way.
Now at that time, I was still a vulnerable and gullible young person. I was a student, away from family and due to intense family troubles, my life felt quite lonely and without a family. And I wasn’t prepared for adult life. Jesus saved me but there was a lot to learn about life, the world, and my new Christian life. And because people in this church showered me with love, I wanted to trust them, trust the church and learn everything I could to live this new life.
I eventually stayed in this church for ten years, seven of which a full-time staff in one of their ‘international offices’. The church was a branch of a Nigerian ‘global ministry’ with its HQ in Nigeria and ‘international offices’ around the world.
Getting deeper while questioning the system
The founder and leader was a Nigerian pastor – followers call him “the man of God”, a man supposedly sent from God with a special anointing… (I do have to specify ‘Nigerian’ as one has to understand the context and the state of Christianity and churches in Africa, notably Nigeria. This will be a subject for another article.) This Nigerian pastor knew the appalling (now deceased) TB Joshua and mingles a lot with Benny Hinn, which says a lot. In another article I may expand on this.
I must add that within one year in, I knew something wasn’t right at all. I cried my heart out! With my young faith (and by the Spirit of Truth), I could tell some of their prominent teachings were going in wrong directions. But I couldn’t exactly pinpoint what. It was all so subtle and craftily twisted, and I knew nothing about theology to be able to defend the Scriptures. So I set my mind to read the whole New Testament! (The book of Revelation was like Chinese then, haha). I noted down so many things, put them on a Word document, arguing point by point why I can’t agree with the teachings of this “Man of God”.
The forcefulness and insistence that we should listen to this “Man of God” day in and day out was extreme. He was the man with “The Message”. In the church, there were banners and posters of him, dressed in white suits most times. There were books, cassettes, DVDs, MP3s of his teachings for sale – his teachings only. Without fail during each service, an elder had to read the daily devotional (every member must have their own copy) written by the “Man of God”. Then, before the sermon, there had to be a 10-20 min video of his teachings on TV or projector. The Sunday sermon itself that followed turned out to be one a reiteration of one his teachings. And instead of hearing “the Lord / the Bible says”, all we could hear was “Pastor said”…
We were strongly encouraged and pushed to buy his teachings and listen to him at home, in our car, on our phones, at bedtime, everywhere and at all times… We were reprimanded when listening to any other bible teachers.
There was also the very detrimental (greedy) teaching on money: paying tithes, seed offering, partnership, first fruits (where you give your whole January pay check). Every year, they have pastors and partners conferences with awards, prize giving, trophies, medals for the highest givers !
I did give a lot of money to this church, to much regret. The financial pressure is impossible, and I believe eventually makes people poor -but does enrich “the Man of God” and his servants at the top. All the promises of wealth are lies.
So, I challenged the elders! But I was told I “didn’t come to the revelation yet”.… I was still a baby Christian, apparently. And through much sweet-talking, they convinced me, and I started listening to the “Man of God”, day in and day out… Maybe they were right, I was the one that had a lot to learn. Plus, I had nowhere to go and they were “looking after me” (spiritually). And they seemed to have this conviction and assurance that I needed in life.
I think it’s when I started speaking in tongues that I eventually adhere to the vision of the ministry and got fully invested in (even being on staff). At this point, we are conditioned to never question the Man of God and we just do as we are told.
Spiritual power
So in the process, I was forced to speak in tongues — yes, forced. But since I wanted to fit in, it didn’t seem like (or I didn’t want to admit) being forced at that time. However, the insistence was so strong.
The arguments given to speak in tongues were convincing. If you’re not speaking in tongues, you are missing out: you can’t release power, activate the gifts of the spirit, speak forth with authority, prophecy, enter the realm of the spirit, command angels, build your faith… They say it’s a sign to have received or be baptised with the Holy Spirit (which is false).
One day, an elder took me aside after service to make me speak in tongues at last. They had already prayed for me several times, laying their hands on me to pray in the “heavenly language”, but nothing ever happened… He must have spent half an hour praying for me, holding my hands, showing me bible verses about tongues, and asking me to just open my mouth to make it happen. It was so much pressure he made me break down in tears -but that didn’t stop him, he kept insisting !
I eventually started “hearing” tongues words in my mind, later in the quiet of my home, and just “released” those words. And here I was, I started speaking in tongues. I had no idea what it meant, but I felt fulfilled. And for many years, I heavily practiced it.
For many years, my prayer life was all about speaking in tongues. All spiritual activities, service to God or anything in the daily life had to start with tongues.
One day, a mysterious and rather obscure spiritual experience happened to me, involving tongues and spiritual powers. I may share this on another post, God willing. For many years, I thought this was the power of the Holy Spirit, although it felt strange and intimidating. This experience was mainly out of my control, which was quite worrying. The experience never happened again, but symptoms lasted for years. The power manifested on this day is the kind of power and manifestation we typically see emanating from the “man of God” and his ministers when they are “under the anointing”, or when they are “ tapping into the anointing”.
A religious system mixed with African culture
Much has to be said about this church system: quest for power and hierarchical position, money, control (and mind control), manipulation, seduction, spiritual powers… I could develop further, and a book could be written. In reality, it runs like a corporation and has an agenda.
Culture for me, was also a challenge. The Nigerian culture can be difficult for a total stranger and must be understood before diving into it, and again, I knew absolutely nothing. I was fully immersed in this church, made up at the time almost entirely of Nigerians, a small number of other Africans and another insignificant minority of Europeans like myself.
And not only were the teachings unbiblical, but I understood much later that they conveyed an ideology of “traditional African religion”-for example, access to blessings, spiritual enemies, or activating powers. In practical terms, traditional African religions were a very fertile ground for the introduction of Pentecostalism in Africa, since there is a significant conceptual overlap between the two (I intend to expand on this in an upcoming article).
So, the false Christian teachings mixed with cultural ways was complicated. On top of it all, I was still learning English and getting used to the UK! What a school of life I was going through! I was exposed to this cocktail of cultural spirituality, and I needed to learn to differentiate bible vs culture… Hard work! So many times there was no option but to comply to the cultural (Nigerian) ways of the church (Nigerian) cultural methods of the church and church members, since I was in the minority!
The road to recovery
One could say this passage through this church system was a traumatic experience, and being able to survive this was a miracle! Therefore, I must acknowledge that, despite all the falseness, the Lord was in this, He was upholding me. He is Sovereign and had a purpose for me being there and by His Grace, He delivered me in his perfect timing through a set of circumstances (which I won’t be able to develop here).
Now, to (try to) make the story short, being part of this ministry had become a spiritual bondage. The deeper the level of involvement, the slimmer the chances of quitting are. It even appears impossible, just like in a cult. Coming out of it physically is one thing (when it made possible), but coming out of it emotionally and spiritually is another matter. It took about seven years after I left to admit to myself what it was. (We were brainwashed with great fear to not question or talk the ministry or the Man of God down).
During those years of recovery, I have been attending a much more moderated Pentecostal (non-African) church. God used that time to heal my heart. I was involved, made friends, and also worked there for 1-2 years until around Covid happened. Everything seemed going well, I felt blessed. However, I gradually became uncomfortable but couldn’t tell why.
As it stands, the ‘ultimate recovery’ hadn’t happened yet until the pandemic. Covid had a way to bring another U-turn. With everything going on, I did put myself in check and my faith, and Christianity as a whole – what is Christianity really about? What do I truly believe in? And how will I stand before God one day, in the light of everything going on?
I was thirsty for God as always, but now from a new, serious, daunting angle… Well, the first thing the Lord asked me to do was to completely come off the highly addictive, distracting, and time-consuming Facebook account. Social media has become an ugly disaster during the pandemic! And now God had my attention. So I read a book that has been sitting on my shelf and what about to change a great deal: The Heavenly Man, by Brother Yun -he true story of the intense persecution of a Christian brother in China. It changed my perception of Christianity, a true watershed moment!
Next, the Lord opened my spiritual understanding. I started devouring my Bible and he graced me with a brand new understanding. I could read my Bible on and on, morning and night. It became so easy and made so much sense. A veil was taken out of my spiritual eyes and it was like understanding what it truly was about!
Reformed theology
God launched a system reset in my heart, mind, and soul! I had to (re)discover the Bible, the Lord, and the Sovereignty of God.
For the following 2-3 years, through studying the Bible and with the help of other resources, the Lord caused me to do a U-turn in all my Christian belief system: spiritual and biblical questions were settled, confusion was dispelled, strongholds and walls of false teaching were brought down… I (re)discovered what repentance meant, and sin, the judgment to come, and what we’re really saved from!
He granted me repentance on many things. I had a lot of peace.
In the previous Charismatic churches, very little is said about sin and repentance. It is vague and never a focus. The “Man of God” above even said he doesn’t preach about sin, because it’s been dealt with at the cross!
As a result of this, it became clear what kind of gospel I had been listening to for many years. In a nutshell, I moved from the Pentecostal and Charismatic, Word of Faith, Neo-Apostolic (NAR) gospel to Reformed theology. I moved on from the Christianity of being in full control of his destiny to a God Sovereign over all things.
Interestingly, I didn’t look for Reformed teachings. I didn’t pick or choose “Reformed” from a selection of alternative Christian teachings and thought “This looks great”. I was only seeking God and desired to understand His Word. I was thirsty for sound, true and right doctrine, and quite naturally, my new understanding of the Bible aligned with the teachings of the Reformation. I didn’t even know what Reformed meant, until I heard it from solid Bible teachers and theologians who happened to be Reformed!
What’s more, I was beginning to learn about the history of the Church and the main facts, movements, past teachers and reformers, persecutions and so on. This is a vital aspect of our Christian heritage, which has also been much neglected in charismatic assemblies.
Leaving Pentecostalism altogether
Needless to say, by the time I embraced solid theology, it had become really difficult to keep listening to feel-good, self-centered, and experience-based Pentecostal preaching on Sundays in church. I came to terms that I was attending a Pentecostal church, even though the church never said that’s what they are. It never said anything actually, and their statement of faith was vague.
I was facing a real inner struggle now, I loved the people but I was strongly grieving over several (irreverent) things, including the Sunday preaching and teaching – or the lack thereof… Although I knew deep within that it was the Lord moving me in a new direction, I needed this reassurance that I wasn’t going on the wrong route.
Lo and behold, just as I needed it, the Lord granted me to (unexpectedly) connect with some Christians online and be part of an online reformed bible school (Didache). I needed to hear sound doctrine and here it was! The Lord has provided!
With such conviction within, I had to make the hard decision to stop attending this church for the time being. By His grace, the Lord has made provision for me with a reformed church, preaching and teaching sound doctrine, just 5 min away from where I lived!
Exposing the darkness
I’m still on a journey, because we never finish growing on this earth as Christians! But I know I can’t go back. What’s established is established. And I believe that the opportunity to create this blog is a further provision from the Lord. As well as being a therapeutic way for me to get everything off the table, it’s also a way of reaching out to others in their spiritual search.
There’s a need now in the church to address spiritual abuse and for children of God to get educated in God’s word and grow in discernment.
God knows how much I surfed online to make sense of the Bible and come out of deception! I believe God will, without fault, deliver His blessed children from the deceit of this false church system and false doctrine. But He needs pastors, teachers, evangelists, apologists in the form of solid writers, bloggers or Youtubers, etc (like those who helped me understand), to expose the darkness and lead us to the true light and knowledge of Christ.
So if this blog can help turn away anyone from darkness and lead them into God’s light, through sound doctrine, none of this story was in vain, and all the glory be to Him, our Lord Jesus Christ!
You can check my other post on Why this blog for more thoughts on my (now obvious) reasons for starting this blog.
God bless you.